I've dealt with rejection much of my life--both imagined and actual, real rebuffs. I really struggle with these feelings of rejection and how I think of my own worth as a result of various people in my life appearing to reject or out-and-out rejecting me. I'm not going to point out any single person or situation other than one glaringly obvious one--my first marriage.
I will say about that first marriage and ultimate rejection, though... At the time(s)--there were way more than just a single time--of the last ultimate rejection, I was suicidal. I didn't think I was worth anything once he was "finished" with ruining me and felt even more so that no one would want me, a broken, damaged, screwed up woman ever again. Of course that was in the middle of the divorce--especially when I discovered certain... actions? on his part both (at the time) current as well as past that had I known about would have changed my life completely....
Anyway... Silly me didn't want the divorce while I was going through it but the day it was legally made final (1 March 1996), I was driving up to Rexburg for the weekend and had the most incredible experience. Although I suspected that would be the day, I didn't know until I returned home to Logan and called the courts that following Monday to find out I was finally divorced. The weight of the previous nine (even though we were only married just under eight) years physically lifted from my shoulders. It was all gone. All the fear of both him and rejection by him as well as the burdens of his abuse and infidelity... Gone. I was free. Free from having to worry about him leaving me, from infidelity, from his abuse, neglect, control... Free. So I was broken, damaged, ruined. At least I recognized he couldn't hurt me ever again unless I let him. He's tried many times in the nearly two decades since then but I try really hard to not let him. Sometimes, though, I'm already vulnerable from other issues and... Now I just walk away. In tears. But I walk away. No more engaging.
Ultimately that rejection was one of the best things that have ever happened to me. I just didn't know it while he was rejecting me. I sometimes wish I had accepted his rejection sooner!
The other rejections I struggle with aren't so cut-and-dried as my first marriage.
I try to think positive thoughts (at least these days when I get whammied by the feelings) but it's hard. And yes, I've had a couple of people reject me recently (okay, one definitely; no, two if you count another one--oh, throw in a third as well *gulp*) that really, really hurt.
No wonder why I'm moody these days. As I read what I wrote nearly six years ago, I realize that I'm just going to have to accept the idea that I have moods.
I decided to reshare this particular Musical Monday as a result of singing this hymn while I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting. What I felt then, still holds true today.
From the original: One night a couple weeks ago, I was laying in bed thinking about a recent rejection by a certain rather important person in my life (actually not the most recent--I'm still smarting from that one) when some partial lyrics of a hymn popped into my head:
Once rejected by his own,Which then reminded me of a certain scripture that while I'm not particularly fond of, nevertheless it's an important one for me to remember when I'm upset because someone has rejected me yet again:
Now their King he shall be known.
7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.Now that I have visited Liberty Jail where Joseph Smith received this revelation this scripture means so much more to me.
8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? (D & C 122:7-8, bolding is mine.)
Anyway, that got me thinking... I can't control others' actions, but I can control mine. I can learn from these bouts of rejection and apply them in my own relationships so other people in my life don't have to suffer through the same pains I've had to, ya know? Don't get me wrong. It still hurts--oh how it hurts--but the Savior Himself was rejected and put to death as a result and I'm certainly not greater than He is. He suffered it all so we don't have to. I know this. One of these days I'll actually believe it as well and won't let myself get hurt because of someone else's selfish (?) choices.
It's funny in a sad way. Six years out and I'm still dealing with rejection--often from the very same people I was struggling with when I first wrote this. I think I'm handling it better--or the walls are so thick nothing can get through. Nah. I'm going with the positive idea that I'm handling it better. I'm still reminded and comforted by this hymn.
So here are the lyrics to this hymn. It's actually one of my favorites. I think that's why it popped into my brain that night and continues to replay when I'm feeling rejected.
Hymns, Jesus, Once of Humble Birth, no. 196
1. Jesus, once of humble birth,
Now in glory comes to earth.
Once he suffered grief and pain;
Now he comes on earth to reign.
Now he comes on earth to reign.
2. Once a meek and lowly Lamb,
Now the Lord, the great I Am.
Once upon the cross he bowed;
Now his chariot is the cloud.
Now his chariot is the cloud.
3. Once he groaned in blood and tears;
Now in glory he appears.
Once rejected by his own,
Now their King he shall be known.
Now their King he shall be known.
4. Once forsaken, left alone,Text: Parley P. Pratt, 1807–1857
Now exalted to a throne.
Once all things he meekly bore,
But he now will bear no more.
But he now will bear no more.
Music: Giacomo Meyerbeer, 1791–1864, adapted
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